Domestic violence has lasting effects on all involved

Domestic violence has lasting effects on all involved
TIM BATES
Rome Observer Columnist

Domestic Violence is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as, "the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also: a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior.’ That definition has been expanded by many to include the willful intimidation, emotional abuse, sexual assault or other such abusive behavior perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. Many of us tend to associate victims of domestic violence as exclusively female, and although women are by far the majority of those victimized (approximately 85 percent are women), we know that men are also at risk for domestic violence, either by a male or female partner. Although also not as common, women are also capable of being the aggressor, and also against a male or female partner. In some cases, both partners may lash out at each other. The majority of victims of abuse are between the ages of 16 to 24 and the poor are significantly more apt to be at risk than the wealthy. Sadly, we also know that most cases of domestic violence are not reported to the police.

We all know by now that there is never an excuse for violence, but when it comes to this type of abuse the victim often blames them self, and the aggressor often helps to reinforce that lie. This can be accomplished by a show of remorse followed by a blame-laden session of excuses where the victim is led to believe they brought the abuse upon them self by their own actions or words. This can lead to self-doubt, poor self-image and a belief that they "deserve" the abuse. Other long-term effects on the victim include anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol dependency, panic attacks, sleep disorders and various health issues. Although many times the victims will take steps to shield their children from the abuse, the emotional scars left on the victim can also cause them to withdraw from that relationship. Many children of domestic violence grow up feeling detached from both parents and can experience difficulty in forming personal relationships.

As we noted earlier, the effects of domestic violence go far beyond the physical marks left behind. Children who witness domestic violence suffer extensive psychological trauma. These children can suffer from language and cognitive problems, developmental delay and poor academic performance. They may feel guilty for their inability to stop the abuse, can become withdrawn and experience social isolation and difficulty dealing with others. Boys who witness this type of violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children once they reach adulthood. Each year medical expenses incurred as a consequence of domestic violence total between 3 and 5 billion dollars. Employers lose millions of dollars a year in missed work from employees suffering the ill effects of domestic violence.

Because of the psychological consequences inflicted on many victims, even the victim may not recognize that they are in an abusive relationship. However, there are many signs that you may be the victim of domestic abuse, and if you have concerns you should ask yourself a few questions. Are you often afraid of your partner, or do you avoid certain topics or situations out of the fear that it might anger them? Does your partner humiliate or yell at you, put you down or blame you for their abusive behavior? Do they act jealous or possessive, control where you go and what you can do, keep you from seeing family or friends and limit your access to money or the phone? These are just a few indicators of an abusive relationship, but if they physically hurt you, force themselves upon you sexually or threaten to take your children away or harm them, it is time to take action.

You may also have a friend or family member that you suspect is being abused by their partner. Some signs that domestic violence may be taking place include an anxious need to always please their partner, and a constant need to check in or "report" their activities. They usually always go along with their partner’s wishes, and may frequently miss school, work or other occasions without excuse. Many victims of domestic abuse will wear heavy make-up or long sleeved shirts or pants to cover their injuries, even in the hottest of temperatures. Frequent unexplained or suspicious injuries are often incurred by these victims, and they may become increasingly withdrawn and may start failing to return your calls or emails. If you suspect abuse, you should speak with that person privately. Express your concern and offer support, but don’t ever take it upon yourself to "intervene" with their abuser. Don’t judge or pressure the victim; simply offer your help and a promise of discretion.

If you are a victim of domestic violence or know someone who may be, there is help available. You should contact the police immediately after any instance of abuse, and remember that there are many programs out there to help the victims of domestic violence. A great place to start is the NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence; their 24 hour hotline number is 1-800-942-6906. As always, please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns.

Tim Bates is the Commander of Detective Division of the Rome, New York Police Department. For questions or comments, he can be reached at (315) 339-7715 or at batest@romepd.com.